"Can I write the numbers in the boxes?!" Lily asked eagerly.
"Sure honey, I'll show you where to put each order in and then we'll add it all up and see how close you are to your goal." I said.
We take out the giant Girl Scout order form, with it's neat tiny rows of squares to check off and tally each box of precious cookies sold.
I clearly print the name of our "customer" and then hesitantly give her the pen and say, "Ok now Lily, NO, NO, NO, don't write anything on the paper yet, you have to wait until I tell you which box to write in and the number to write in the box which shows how many boxes our customer ordered. Ok, yes just leave the pen down and be patient. Now, Clarence Love wants 2 boxes of Tagalongs,"
"2 boxes of tagalongs, OK! Tagalongs, tagalongs, tagalongs..." She screws her face up in concentration trying to read the cookie names that are cutely color coded and perfectly pictured so she can fill in the corresponding color coded box in it's neat tiny little row. "Ta, Ta, TA! That's this one it starts with a T!"
"Uh, no Lily... that's Thin Mints." I reply with an impatient sigh.
"Oh. Well let's see here, Ta, T, Taaaaaa... HERE WE GO! It's this one!"
"Noooo. That's Toffee Tastic, keep looking, try and sound it all the way out." I say out loud while in my head I chant, "Don't give her the answer, she needs to figure it out by herself, don't give her the answer, she needs to figure it out by herself." Over and over again to ebb my frustration that my lofty goal for her to read, or at least sound words out, has not been perfectly achieved by this point in her (kindergarten) education.
"There it is!! It's Orange, so I put a 1 in the orange box."
"Nope, remember how many I said she ordered?"
"3?"
"No... 2, Lily, put a 2 in the box."
"Oh, Ok mama!" She said and messily wrote a backwards 2 in that precious tiny box whilst I continued with the chant in my head.
This same ebb and flow of misplaced reading, backwards letters, and forgetfulness went on and on for another 10 minutes all with the background noise of my toddler son fighting for my attention by grabbing random crap around the house and yelling "Ma! Maaaaa! Eeee!" My irritation level would rise and then recede as I would try some calming breaths but, unfortunately, I finally lost control and let my frustration peak.
"No Lily, That's not how you write 30!" I said harshly.
Lily looked down in complete defeat, got down from her chair and said, "I'm sorry mama, I'm not good at this. I shouldn't do this anymore, you write down the numbers." Then she walked away with tiny tears in her eyes.
Uh oh... major mom fail. Just writing out this interaction makes me quite horrified with myself. This is not the parent I want to be but when I am sick, tired, angry, worried, frustrated, scared this is the inevitable mother that comes out. I treat my daughter how I treat myself, with a lack of grace and an abundance of impatience. So often if my work is not perfect after a few attempts I tend to get more and more frustrated until I do exactly what my sweet 5 year old daughter just did- crumble and walk away defeated saying, "I'm just not good at this, I shouldn't even try." My young adulthood was shackled to this thought process and I let myself become a dying shell of a person because of it. Luckily, I was encouraged and supported by my husband (my best friend) to break free, hold onto my determination, and make what I loved to do stick until I was an expert at it, and I did. I chose to move forward instead of stay in a continuous circle of doubt. I want to be that encouraging and supporting voice to my child, myself, and yes even you reading- my friends.
I took Lily by the hand, apologized, encouraged her, and we both tried again, wiping away the mistakes and moving forward with becoming experts at something we loved to do.
When I was 23, I was ready to move on to becoming an expert at something I love to do, first cake decorating, then more specifically what I like to call, cakery, which is now my beloved expertise. However I can feel the niche baking knowledge I gained whilst attending The French Pastry School 7 years ago being sapped away with age and now illness. I do not want those factors to shackle me, so I asked for (and received) a gigantic baking and pastry text book written by The Culinary Institute of America for Christmas. I plan on diving into it this year as well as several other advanced pastry books. I am eager to pick myself up and fight to become an even more exceptionally knowledgeable baker than I already am. I created a FaceBook page so I can quickly capture my creations and share them. Like the page for updates on the blog or to occasionally see some yummy treats, first stop will be relearning the art of cookies!
Speaking of cookies... here I will leave you with a simple and delicious recipe adapted from the above book. The cookie came out a perfect combination of crunchy on the outside, soft in the inside, absolutely delicious! This book, along with most advanced baking books, uses grams and ounces to measure their ingredients. I highly recommend acquiring a basic scale if you want to up your pastry game, it definitely makes a difference in accurately measuring ingredients and creating a quality baked good. Make, share, enjoy and remember the importance of grace towards others when you munch on them.
Chocolate Chunk Cranberry Cookies
Ingredients:
600 g/1 lb 5 oz all purpose flour
7 g/ 1 1/4 tsp salt
7 g/1 1/4 tsp baking soda
400g/10 oz unsalted butter, softened
10 oz/280 g granulated sugar
6 1/2 oz/180 g brown sugar
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
350g dark chocolate chunks
350g dried cranberries
Directions:
Preheat the oven to 375°F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.
In a medium bowl, sift and whisk together the flour, salt, and baking soda and set aside.
In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat the butter and sugars together on medium speed, scraping down the sides occasionally until the mixture is light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. Combine the eggs and vanilla. Add to the butter-sugar mixture in three additions, mixing until fully incorporated after each addition. On low speed, add the flour mixture and mix until incorporated. Add the chocolate and cranberries and mix in by hand.
Using a spring release cookie scoop form the dough in to balls and place on prepared pans.
Bake the cookies for 15 minutes until they are golden brown on top. Remove them from the oven and place the baking sheet on a cooling rack for five minutes. Use a spatula to transfer the cookies to the rack to cool completely. Store the cookies in an airtight container as soon as they are cooled.
