"So, what you're saying is if I stay on the current treatment plan that I am on, not only will my quality of life (which already sucks) not improve, but it will most likely only get worse. Also, the likelihood of acquiring kidney illnesses, diseases, or stones will become extremely high. On the flip side, if I start a different treatment plan, which is relatively new and the long term affects of which are still not entirely known, my body may respond well and thus my quality of life may improve, but it also may not at all. Also, there is a risk of acquiring osteosarcoma, bone cancer. It's a small risk, but the fact that I even have this illness to begin with is due to an unfortunate small (1%) risk, so the fact that the risk is small still does not sit very well with me these days." I said bluntly.
"Correct." He responded.
I learned from my endocrinologist that my cancer treatment was successful. For now, there are no signs of disease. When I discovered this I felt joyful and victorious. One medical horror hopefully behind me, this is a wonderful event indeed. That night I sat in the joy of it all, and soaked in the peace it brought.
Then the sun rose on a different day and still... I am trapped. I want to talk myself out of feeling down, out of feeling despair. I hear the voice in my head, "Be appreciative that you accomplished something, even if you can't do anything to ultimately control your future, at least you can be happy for this!" And it's true, and I am. Yet it does not change the fact that I am sad, I am conflicted, I am confused, I am trapped, I am mourning.
I am mourning the careers I could have started, mourning the loss of children I wanted to add to my family, mourning the burden I will put on those closest to me. "But you never know! You could maybe still start that coffee shop/bakery in the city one day! Oh sure there's the little fact that it is well known to be one of the most stressful industries to enter into, and stress and anxiety are well known to trigger seizure like symptoms for you, but never mind that... you can do anything you set your mind to!" Yes, that is true, I can try to do anything that I set my mind to, but unfortunately the likelihood of it both actually being successful and me staying alive through the trying process is pretty much non existent. So I mourn this possible future. Darkness of possible catastrophes surround my mind and my reality, and I am trapped in them. If I am honest, I have pretty much given up on trying to make myself feel better because, it just really really sucks.
I am fully aware of the fact that many of you reading this feel either extremely uncomfortable, or extremely motivated to help me right now, or both. There is a reason I feel compelled to write this, though. Something I have noticed about humanity through this year of tragic event after tragic event is that we are HORRIBLE at dealing with sadness. Notice the WE... I am not leaving myself out of this equation. When I am hurting, in pain, or grieving, I have tried over and over again to just make it go away because it makes me feel helpless and I loathe that feeling. If you have ever watched the movie Inside Out you'll understand this concept. The "Joy" in me shoos away the "Sadness" like a masterfully jubilant dictator with those "But, you can still do anything you set your mind to!" voices. When that doesn't work then "Anger" starts yelling at "Sadness" saying things like, "Do you think being sad ever accomplished anything ever? Sit up and get over yourself!" Once that sends me in to a world of self loathing then "Fear" tries to chime in, "Ok but, you really can't be sad forever, alright? I mean, what will people think of you if you just keep talking about how bad this is? Look at that slight change of expression on your friends' face when you told her your week was hell... AGAIN. See, if you keep going like this all of your friends will be disgusted with you." To which "Disgust" chimes in, "Uh... I'M disgusted with you, why are you even here anyway? Go away, you're totally bumming everyone out."
Our emotions have wondrously unique and intricate roles that weave a gorgeous tapestry that makes us who we are. Joy, anger, disgust, and even fear are understood for their overall value, but sadness? That one is continually misunderstood and shunned. Try as I might I cannot make sadness go away... because the reality is... I AM SAD. I beat cancer, yes, but the "cure" stabbed me in the back. That is heartbreaking. That is tragic. That should never have happened, but it did. The beautiful thing I have found through this journey is that there is great healing power when I simply let sadness weave that deep blue thread into my intricate tapestry. So you can feel free to just let me sit and mourn, because it makes me a part of the unique person that I am. I will not let it rule every part of me, but it does reflect a part of me and my story. I will let those other emotions work their magic where they fit best, but sadness owns this part.
The art of true empathy is what can be birthed from sadness. Some of the moments when I have experienced deep emotional peace have not been when I discovered a new medication dosage or cheerful slogan, it's been when someone has come by my side, given me a hug and simply said, "I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could take away this pain right now, but I can't. I care about you and I am here for you." It sounds too simple, but sometimes, it's all someone needs.
My friends, empathy is an incredibly powerful tool of love that should never be overlooked. We are certainly in need of this grace filled characteristic, so let's start by simply letting it walk alongside us daily. I implore you as one who has experienced the compelling beauty it brings: embrace and give freely of this powerful gift today.
The past month has been a whirlwind of sickness, travel, and more sickness. Once all the vomit, snot, and crankiness had rid itself of my household my daughter and I made some cookies to brighten the day of some people we love. Often times I can become overwhelmed with the incredibly complicated and intensely depressing seasons I find myself and my friends and family in. A simple go to step of love and care that I have found is to bring them baked goods, hugs, and flowers. Usually I try and give all three simultaneously, along with a note or verbally speaking what I mentioned above. It does not in any way solve the whole problem, but it does bring a peaceful reassurance of my love and support. I highly recommend following our example and spreading some of this sunshine to someone you know who is sad today. Sugar cookies are perfect quick portable sweets that can hold an equally sweet message and thus perfect for such an occasion as this. The recipes are very simple and are coming once again from one of my favorite baking cookbooks, Baked: Explorations.
Sugar Cookies
1 3/4 cups all purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 tsp baking powder
3/4 cups (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
2 tbsp cold vegetable shortening
2/3 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 tsp vanilla
In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, salt, and baking powder and set aside.
In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, beat the butter, shortening, and sugar together until light and fluffy. Add the egg and vanilla and beat until just combined. Add the flour mixture and mix until incorporated. Wrap the dough in plastic and refrigerate for at least four hours.
Preheat the oven to 325°F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper.
Dust a work surface with a sprinkling of flour. Unwrap the chilled dough and put it directly on the work surface. Roll the dough out to 1/4 inch thick. Use your desired cookie cutter to cut shapes in the dough and transfer the cookies to the prepared baking sheets.
Bake the cookies for 12 minutes until they are set but not browned. Remove them from the oven and place the baking sheet on a cooling rack for five minutes. Use a spatula to transfer the cookies to the rack to cool completely.
Basic Royal Icing
2 cups powdered sugar, sifted
2 large egg whites
2 tsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
In a large bowl whisk together the sugar, egg whites, and lemon juice until the mixture is completely smooth. The mixture should have the texture of a glaze. If the mixture is too thin add a bit more sugar. If the mixture is too thick add a few drops of lemon juice. You can add a few drops of food coloring if desired or you can divide up the icing among many mixing bowls if you need more than one color.
The best way to ice sugar cookies is with a pastry bag fitted with a small or medium round piping tip. First outline the cookie or design, then fill it in. Let the icing harden before serving. The cookies can be kept in an airtight container for up to three days.