I have a love/hate relationship with words. Sometimes they are marvelous at communicating my thoughts, wants, desires, ponderings, needs and for that, sure, I love them. However when a powerful emotion is at play, words too often infuriatingly fall short. I struggle to piece my words together like a jigsaw puzzle so as to display the full picture in my head because sometimes the picture is too complex for simple noun, verb, adverb puzzle pieces. For instance, the words supported, comforted, encouraged, grateful, blessed, soothed. These words barely scratch the surface of the emotion that rocks me when I think, even for a very brief moment, of how my friends, family, uh... even complete random strangers, loved on me through the past months of stormy life weather. Saying I am speechless or without words doesn't quite convey how I feel either. I have too many words to say and yet none of them can fully present my emotions. Usually when I run into this problem my tactic is to struggle to get my words out and just give up if I fail, or if I'm being really honest I don't even try because it is too hard. Well, in my mind, the act that I mentioned is too bright, too lovely, too radiant, too amazing to give up on and too important to simply say "thank you" and move on from. So I'm going to use this tool I love and hate, take some pictures, and bake a cake. Maybe it will convey my emotion, maybe it will fall short, but giving up is simply not an option where this is concerned.
A shirt from my mother in law that makes me laugh and speaks to my feisty Disney loving soul; a thoughtful collage from my 12 year old niece for me to remember the best Disney World trip of my life during the isolation part of my treatment; a mantra bracelet from a close childhood friend stamped with my mantra to cancer and hypoparathyroidism- "You Can't Stop Me"; my "Brave" (one of my favorite Pixar movies) leggings given to me from a dear friend, I wore them to the hospital on my first day of treatment and they perked me up each time I looked at them.
You see the content and smiling faces of the children in the middle two pictures? Yes of course they were happy to see me after a week long separation during treatment, but they were also well rested, fed, and happy throughout that week because of the the amazingly wonderful nana in the outer two pictures. She gave up time, money, rest, really anything that she needed to ensure that her baby and grand babies weathered this storm well. Her heart and soul are oh so beautiful and she deserves a lifetime of thank you's.
My mother and father in law came in to town about a week after my treatment and made it their mission to create "happy places" in my house so I could have multiple areas of refreshment and retreat throughout my day. They hung pictures that had been stored for about a year and gardened their heart out so that I could be surrounded by things I loved.
Sigh... this book. This is my "loved" book. As you can see from the picture on the far left it is absolutely teeming with, well, love. It is the book I created to store each and every card, note, gift receipt, flower delivery receipt, etc. that I received from people during my surgeries and on through my cancer treatment. The card second from the left is from a dear friend who had her 3 young children decorate "Get Well Soon" cards for me on more than one occasion, I love and cherish each one :) ; Third picture from the left honestly leaves me completely floored every time I see it. This came from a lady who does not know me in real life but saw me discussing my treatment in a FB group we are both a part of and took it upon herself to send me some things to help me through treatment... I know... it's absolutely incredible right?; and now we come to the most quirky picture, 4th from the left, this is from my brother who sent me an activity for each day of the isolation part of treatment, this was a paper airplane, complete with instructions and motivational decor, Aaron... you rock!; Lastly a homemade card sent by a close friend who lives far away but took it upon herself to send many sweet and loving handmade tokens of love to encourage me through this time. This book will be something I keep to cheer me up for the rest of my life.
My husband (which THAT MAN will get a whole cake devoted to thanking him in a couple weeks... for a certain holiday celebrating fathers we know is around the corner) mentioned on FB that we could use some meals and BAM... not only friends and family sent meals but also people I barely knew who simply felt they wanted to help. These meals carried us through the roughest times and we still have 2-3 in our freezer, saving them like precious gold for the next moment that my hypoparathyroidism symptoms pop up. Then there are the numerous FB messages and comments, text messages and emails. I mean... The amount of loving words that flooded me through those means would completely fill another book!
Something wonderful I’ve learned through this experience is this- people can be outrageously, stunningly, graciously kind, thoughtful, and generous and this is powerful. There is an obscene amount of awful in this world but I had an encounter with people's considerate hearts and it is unforgettable and has changed me for the better. It has compelled me to make a habit of doing the same for others that are suffering. I hope this little story encourages you to do (or keep doing) the same. A simple message or gift letting someone who is suffering know you care and are there for them, no matter what their future holds, has the power to relieve, lift up, and soothe. Thoughtfully and considerately loving on someone who is hurting is an incredible part of life that shouldn’t be overlooked, overshadowed, or not partaken in. Though consoling someone doesn’t necessarily have the ability to get rid of the trials themselves, it is nonetheless deeply powerful. Even though I have been kicked down more times than I can count this year I am feeling pretty healthy emotionally speaking, but... I do NOT take any credit for that. I am able to bake cakes, write, and work through what has happened because of the countless hands that have lifted and still lift me up during this time. No, these helpful and soothing acts do not cure me or remove my trials, but… (and here I struggle to piece that puzzle of emotion together that makes tears well up in my eyes) they have brought radiantly strong hope and peace when I have had none, and that, my friends, is a truly miraculous thing.
I wanted this week's cake to be given to a large amount of people that had blessed me over the past few months and I didn't have to consider that very long before knowing where it should go... my church :) I doubled the following recipe and brought it to our Sunday service so while the pictures show a 13x9" cake with 2 layers, the recipe is for an 8" round cake with 4 layers. One thing to note before starting- the first step you'll need to take is infusing the buttermilk which needs to be done at least 6 hours beforehand, so plan accordingly.
Lemon Chamomile Cake
Ingredients
2 tablespoons dried chamomile plus more for decoration*
1 cup plus 1+ tbsp low-fat buttermilk
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons lemon zest
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 ½ cups sugar
2 large eggs
3 large egg yolks
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
Directions
Place the chamomile and buttermilk in a liquid measuring cup and mix well with a fork. Cover and set aside in the refrigerator for a minimum of 6 hours, maximum 10.
With a tea strainer, strain the buttermilk in to a separate liquid measuring cup, continually pressing the buttermilk out of the chamomile while it is poured. If necessary add more buttermilk to bring the total amount of buttermilk to 1 cup.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour two 8" round cake pans, tapping out the excess flour. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and lemon zest.
Using an electric mixer, beat butter and sugar together until light and fluffy. With mixer on low, beat in eggs and yolks, one at a time, fully incorporating with each addition. Add the lemon juice to the buttermilk and stir with a fork. Alternately beat in flour mixture and buttermilk mixture beginning and ending with the flour mixture; mix just until combined.
Divide batter between pans; smooth tops. Bake until cakes pull away from sides of pans, 32 to 35 minutes. Let cool in pans 10 minutes. Run a knife around edges of pans and invert cakes onto a wire rack.
*I was able to find whole dried chamomile in the bulk tea section of my local Whole Foods but you can certainly use the tea leaves from the inside of a chamomile tea bag if you don't have the time or energy to get the "fancy" stuff ;)
**Disclaimer- I do not own this recipe. This is a recipe that I adapted from a Martha Stewart recipe for lemon cake.
Honey Buttercream
Ingredients:
1 ¼ cups sugar
5 large egg whites
2 cups (4 sticks or 1 pound) unsalted butter, room temperature, cut into pieces
3 tablespoons honey
Directions:
Place egg whites and sugar in a heatproof bowl set over a pot of simmering water. Whisk until sugar has dissolved and egg whites are hot to the touch. Test by rubbing the mixture between your fingers; it should feel completely smooth.
Remove from heat, and pour mixture in to a stand mixer bowl. Using the whisk attachment, beat on high speed until mixture has cooled completely and formed stiff and glossy peaks, about 10 minutes.
On medium-slow speed whisk in the honey until completely incorporated.
Add the butter, one piece at a time, and beat until incorporated after each addition. Whisk until smooth.
*Disclaimer- I do not own this recipe. This is a recipe that I adapted from a Martha Stewart recipe for vanilla buttercream.
Assembly
If you are unfamiliar with leveling, cutting, or frosting cakes I would suggest checking out this tutorial before this next step. If you're a serious newbie and four layers sounds intimidating, no worries, just stick to the two layers you baked and fill with a bit more buttercream in the middle. Just be sure to still level those lovelies.
Level one cake layer and cut it in half horizontally, then repeat with the second layer. You will now have 4 total layers of cake. Place the first layer on a disposable cake round or cake plate. Place about 3/4 cup buttercream in a piping bag fitted with a small French tip (I used a 5mm french tip). Fill the first layer with enough buttercream to form a 1/2" layer, making sure a small amount spills over the sides evenly. Place a layer of cake over the filling. Repeat this process with the remaining cake layers. Frost the cake with remaining buttercream. Pipe the buttercream along the bottom border. Gently and slowly sprinkle the dried chamomile along the top edge. Slice and enjoy the soothing nature of chamomile, lemon, and honey. I suggest pairing it with tea or coffee!
While only a fraction of the people who inspired me to bake this cake got to eat it, I hope that all who had a hand in it have been blessed by this thank you note.