I’d rather be honest than impressive.
So here I go…
I need people. I am an introvert… I like to be in control of when and how I interact with people, I like to keep to myself and a few close friends at parties (even ones that I host). I like to spend hours on end by myself quietly working on a project, reading a book, or drive many hours listening to music and pondering the deep inner workings of life. I would have to be by myself for a LONG time before I would feel lonely. My default is to try and do what I want and need to do when I want to do it, and depend on people as little as possible, not because I want all the credit or recognition for what I do but simply so that I can sit in the independence that I hold dearly and tell myself "I did it all by myself" like a 2 year old.
The problem is... What happens when the shit hits the fan? What happens when, try as I might, I literally cannot accomplish something by myself?
Well the shit did hit the fan several months ago and my response to this rare-up-until-that-point occurrence was the same as it has been my whole life. A mental pattern arises which looks like this: “I will try and get task x done because I have to get x done, period, no questions about it, I will get task x done at all costs.” Task x is attempted… “Holy crap… task x cannot be accomplished, why can’t I accomplish task x? I am a worthless person for not being able to accomplish task x, I am a failure for not being able to accomplish task x, I am a horribly lazy person for not being able to accomplish task x. AAAHHHH… task x still needs to get done, what am I going to do? I can’t ask for help because I should be able to accomplish task x, so I don’t deserve help. Asking for help to get task x accomplished is admitting to someone else that I can’t accomplish task x which is completely humiliating because… I should be able to accomplish task x! I will attempt task x again and see if I was just not trying hard enough the first time.” Task x is attempted again… “Well that was a complete and utter waste of energy, I guess I wasn’t just imagining I couldn’t accomplish task x, I really truly can’t… NOW WHAT?” I could go on and on with this dialogue, it doesn’t sound this way every time, there are always different versions of how this goes down but the bottom line is, I feel like a worthless, humiliating failure if I don’t accomplish what I think I should be able to accomplish how I want to accomplish it, which usually means BY MYSELF. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of times when task x IS technically accomplished but… then I cannot accomplish tasks y and z the next day because I spent all my energy on task x… and so the problem is not truly solved.
To make things a bit clearer, these days task X is things like, cleaning my house, take care of my kids immediately in the morning, eat healthy meals, exercise at least 3 times a week, baking a cake… unfortunately due to the nature of living with a chronic illness the list goes on and on and on of things I have trouble accomplishing daily. Some of these tasks need to be given a closer examination and thrown out entirely, but others… they need to be done if I want my family and I to live both physically and emotionally happy, healthy lives. I have tried to accomplish these tasks on my own terms and with as little help as humanly possible, and it simply does not work long term.
So I have forced myself to face a fact that I have skirted around and ignored way too often: I need people.
And I am not a lazy, worthless, humiliating failure for needing them. Refusing help, when I obviously need it, just so that I can accomplish the task by myself and say “I did it all by myself” is actually really selfish… and childish… and stuck up. You know what? There is an incredible thing that comes from asking and looking for help that I have been completely missing out on… Task x can get accomplished even when the shit hits the fan… go figure?!
I say all of this for one simple reason. I’d rather be honest than impressive. Spending hours baking a cake can send my muscles into horrible pain the next few days and I struggle washing the mountains of dishes that come from said baking adventure, much less taking care of my 2 young energetic, talkative, ever extroverted children. I have tried to do it all myself and the result is that at best nothing gets accomplished and at worst nothing gets accomplished and things are made even worse from attempting to get the tasks accomplished.
So… I have made the leap and started getting help, the help I now need. Starting in September I will have a part time nanny helping care for my children so I can have time to focus on taking care of my body and life. I have hired a house keeper to clean my house once a month, and I am simply accepting offers of help from friends and family as they come up or as I need them. In all honesty I was scared to write exactly how I am getting help (due to the reasons I mentioned above as well as other reasons I won’t go in to here), but my hope is that it’d encourage someone out there who is struggling with the same or similar thoughts like my own to know that reaching out and asking for help is not a sign of weakness or failure, and you are not alone. It’s on all of us to ask for help when we really need it and help others when and as we can. It’s also on all of us to not judge one another as better or less than simply based on the life and circumstances we find ourselves in, be them joyous or heartbreaking. I am not doing my life alone, or even attempting to do it alone anymore. It’s not an impressive step to lean on others, but it is an honest one that embraces who I really am - scars, buzzing hands and feet, fuzzy brain and all.
I have had people and family around me constantly the last month. All in all I have had 4-7 extra people living in my house and in the midst of that I took a trip out to be with my husband’s family in Colorado for a short summer vacation together. Normally this would send my introverted little self from kind Dr. Jekyll into sinister Mr. Hyde mode faster than you can say “CAKE!” But with this new leaf turned, I decided to embrace it, ask for help with my kids as needed, and ask for time out and away as I need it. The result was that my family embraced me with loving arms, my house is clean, my kids are happily entertained, and I was able to do some fun things I have had to forgo in recent months, the main one being hosting a party. The worst thing that happened was that my pride died. A lot. The best thing was that I feel closer to my family and appreciate them more than I have ever before.
The pictures and recipe that follow are from some fun celebrations and a party I had the opportunity to make cakes for, each of which were inspired by and for a different family member that was in town. I'm posting one cake recipe this week that was specifically made for my mom who has multiple health issues and dietary restrictions and I will post the other two recipes next week. I hope you enjoy the family fun and recipes... and I can't hold it in any longer, I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND THIS WEEKEND TO CELEBRATE MY NIECES' ADOPTION! Stay tuned for a post in the next couple weeks where I completely GEEK OUT and write about my happiest place on earth!!!
From left to right, my favorite old fashioned Vanilla Cake and Vanilla buttercream recipe, made for my newly adopted niece, Carin's birthday; my nephew, daughter, and 4 nieces right after they found out they were all going to celebrate the adoption of their cousins in Disneyland together; happy birthday Carin!
Dearly sweet friends and family helping host a LuLaRoe clothing and Encantadora Jewelry party; a carrot ginger cake with citrus orange cream cheese frosting made for the party but inspired by my wonderfully amazing sister.
So unfortunately, and yet sadly fortunately, chronic illness is not a new thing in my family. My mom has multiple chronic illnesses and has been my shoulder to cry on and helpful support group through everything that has happened to me. One of her chronic illnesses is severely affected by her diet. Amongst many other things, she cannot eat any food with a discernible amount of fat content... to this baker and food loving fanatic that is a crime and horror against nature I cannot even begin imagine living with. I have come up with a cake recipe that she can eat, and while she is totally enamored with this cake, it saddens my soul that she cannot enjoy the cakes that my freely inspired spirit would whip up for her if there were no dietary restraints in place. The recipe that follows is for a Red Velvet cake with Marshmallow frosting. The substitutions I made for her dietary needs are in parenthesis, but I wanted to post the original as well as these recipes and combination are absolutely delicious, especially if you pair it with this chocolate ganache glaze filling, which I wasn't able to with this cake but you can try at home!
Red Velvet Cake (Almost No-Fat substitutions in parenthesis)
Ingredients:
2 1/2 cups flour
2 tablespoons cocoa powder (replace with 2 additional tbsp of flour)
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 1/2 cups vegetable oil (replace with applesauce)
2 large eggs, room temperature
1/2 teaspoon red gel-paste food color
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 cup buttermilk
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons distilled white vinegar
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray 2 8" round cake pans with cooking spray oil or butter and flour cake pans.
Whisk together flour, cocoa, and salt (or whisk together flour and salt if omitting the cocoa powder).
With an electric mixer on medium-high speed, whisk together sugar and oil (or applesauce) until combined. Add eggs, one at a time, beating until each is incorporated, scraping down sides of bowl as needed. Mix in food color and vanilla.
Reduce speed to low. Add flour mixture in three batches, alternating with two additions of buttermilk, and whisking well after each. Stir together the baking soda and vinegar in a small bowl (it will foam); add mixture to the batter, and mix on medium speed 10 seconds.
Divide batter evenly among cake pans. Bake, rotating pans halfway through, until a cake tester inserted in center comes out clean, about 30 minutes. Transfer pans to wire racks to cool completely before inverting cakes.
Marshmallow Frosting
Ingredients:
3 large egg whites
1 1/4 cups sugar
1/4 cup water
1/4 tsp cream of tartar
2 tsp pure vanilla extract
Directions
Place egg whites, sugar, water, and cream of tartar in a heatproof bowl set over a pot of simmering water. Whisk until sugar has dissolved and egg whites are hot to the touch. Test by rubbing the mixture between your fingers; it should feel completely smooth.
Remove from heat, and pour mixture in to a stand mixer bowl. Using the whisk attachment, beat on high speed until mixture has cooled and formed stiff and glossy peaks, about 10 minutes. Use immediately.
*I did not create these recipes, I adapted the red velvet cake recipe from this recipe by Martha Stewart and the Marshmallow frosting recipe I found a while ago on the internet but cannot find the source for it unfortunately.
Assembly
If you are unfamiliar with leveling and cutting cakes I would suggest checking out this tutorial before this next step. If you're a serious newbie and four layers sounds intimidating, no worries, just stick to the two layers you baked and fill with a bit more buttercream in the middle. Just be sure to still level those lovelies.
Level one cake layer and cut it in half horizontally, then repeat with the second layer. You will now have 4 total layers of cake. Place the first layer on a disposable cake round or cake plate. Place about 3/4 cup frosting in a piping bag fitted with a French tip (I used a 10mm french tip). Fill the first layer with enough frosting to form a 1/2" layer, making sure a small amount spills over the sides evenly. Place a layer of cake over the filling. Repeat this process with the remaining cake layers. Pipe the frosting evenly around the cake in vertical rows first then in circular rings for the top. If you have a kitchen torch and know how to use it... have fun! Lightly torch the outside for that toasty effect, this part is optional but it does give an added flavor and texture to the cake. Enjoy!