Trial and error, Trial and error, ERROR, trial.... error, trial and error. This is pretty much my whole life right now. Everywhere I turn I must try and see what works for me and what does not and the results vary, GREATLY. There are times when this exercise is suffocating and I want to quit, but morbidly enough quitting would mean literal death. There is no quitting the intake of 4 different medications, taken 4 different times a day, every day, as well as the weekly one (which dang it I need to take that...). Living with a rare chronic illness is a constant battle of trial and error because rare illnesses usually do not undergo as much medical investigation as the major ones do. So you are left with figuring many personal healthy guidelines on your own as the depth of medical knowledge and remedies are limited. Practically how this looks is, I try a new medication dosage that my doctor prescribes to see if it will help the issues I am currently facing... ERROR. My hands shake, my brain struggles to remember the word for "apple", my back muscles constrict in anxious strain, I have a panic attack. Ooooo K.... So that doesn't work, let's try and recover now (which is also a trial and error process to figure out what that even entails). It's a discouraging process, but I can't view the "error" as a mistake per se, or rather I can't look at it as I failed, or am a failure, because the result wasn't what I wanted. The short term remedies vary greatly from person to person and the only way to discover what fits me best is... You got it! Trial and error.
I have learned an invaluable amount of life lessons since acquiring hypoparathyroidism (the aforementioned rare chronic illness) after 2 neck surgeries performed on me in January. Oddly enough, if I'm being honest, there are times when I am actually grateful for having acquired this illness. What?! Yes, it's weird, and of course I would take a safe and sound cure if there was one in existence, but there isn't. So in the meantime I am choosing to move forward with where I am at instead of focus on what I cannot change immediately, as I know that leads to a world of depression... which is also a symptom of this damn illness... YAY! One such lesson I have learned through this lovely process of trial and error is the absolutely stunning art of giving unceasing grace to myself and not judge others based on the outside. I don't know how I could have learned this down to my bones and soul if it wasn't through a huge trial and being shackled to illness, and thus why I am sometimes thankful for it.
What got me thinking of this was a cake I made the other day. Once finished, this cake looked ok, maybe a little crooked or slightly disheveled to my ever-critical eye, but all in all... Sure, it looked fine. I felt myself identifying with this cake as I sliced it open to take a look at the naked inside. I knew it already, but the evidence was obnoxiously glaring me in the face. I had mixed up the ingredients for the cake batters and the result was that the cake did not accomplish the lofty goal I have for every cake I make- near perfection... It was nowhere near it. The outside looked cute, and maybe to an untrained eye the inside didn't LOOK disastrous, but I knew, and a trained eye would know too, the texture for the pumpkin cake was chewy, the peanut butter cake much too dry. The inside was not as it should be, it was awry, it was flawed, it was off, anything but perfection. I may look ok on the outside, perhaps a bit disheveled, but to the trained eye my inside is awry, flawed, and off balance.
I really don't aspire to be a "near perfect" person, but often I place that burden on what I produce, so as I stared at that cake I had an interesting revelation. When I embarked on making that cake I knew it probably wasn't a wise choice because I most likely wouldn't get the result I wanted. My brain was foggy, my body ached, I could barely remember where I kept my flour bin (I am in the middle of a medication adjustment which means side effects such as these), but I felt a strong creative urge to bake and attempt to rid myself of the hypopara blues. So I took a leap and just tried. The result wasn't what I wanted, but looking back I don’t think it was a mistake or error I need to feel ashamed or discouraged about. Even though I should technically “know better” (as I have made those recipes loads of times) baking that cake was for me and my enjoyment. I was glad I got to bake at all that day, because my body doesn't allow me to do even that on any given day. I was glad at the very least I got the chance to have fun and play with flavor combinations and the outward appearance. I gave myself a healthy dose of grace in that moment by embracing the joy of simply baking a cake instead of focusing on what I could not change immediately. Sure, now I know next time that when I am feeling the way I did I should not make an important cake that people depend on, but on the other hand, I do know that I can still bake and thus accomplish something just for me.
I don't know what state your cake innards are in, maybe they're near perfection, but if they're like this little flawed cake, give them some grace, learn what you can from them, and know that just trying is a wonderful accomplishment.
So this cake is an extremely odd ball one, only make it if you are either fed up with the typical pumpkin pairings and want something different, or if you are in to funky and bold flavors, as both those reasons are what inspired me to come up with this little ditty. I loved it, but it's certainly not for everyone. Don't worry, I tried the recipe again after the failure moment above, the cake turned out great when I was feeling a bit more with it and remade it a few days later. Happy start of fall y'all!
Peanut Butter Cake
Ingredients:
3/4 cup and 2 tbsp all-purpose flour
1 1/8 tsp baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon baking soda
3 ounces unsalted butter, softened
2/3 cups sugar
1/3 cup natural, creamy peanut butter
2 large eggs
1/4 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/4 cup sour cream
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour 2 6” cake pans.
Whisk dry ingredients in a large bowl.
Cream butter, peanut butter, and sugar with a mixer until light and fluffy. Add eggs, 1 at a time, beating after each addition, then add vanilla.
Reduce speed to low. Add dry ingredients to butter mixture in 3 additions, alternating with sour cream and ending with dry. Scrape sides of bowl. Divide batter between the 2 8” pans, smoothing out the tops.
Bake cakes until tester inserted into center comes out clean, about 25 minutes. Let cool in tins on wire racks. Cakes will keep, covered, for up to 2 days, unless otherwise noted.
Pumpkin Cake
Ingredients:
1 1/3 cups plus 2 1/2 tsp all-purpose flour
3/4 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 tsp Salt
1 stick unsalted butter, softened
1 cup packed light-brown sugar
2 large eggs
7.5 oz canned solid-pack pumpkin
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/4 cup low-fat buttermilk
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour 2 6” round cake pans.
Whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, and ginger.
Beat butter and sugar with a mixer on medium speed until pale and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes. Beat in eggs, 1 at a time. Beat in pumpkin; add vanilla. Reduce speed to low. Add flour mixture in 3 additions, alternating with buttermilk, and beginning and ending with flour. Scrape down side of bowl as needed. Divide batter between pans.
Bake cakes until golden brown, pulling away from sides of pans, and until a toothpick inserted into the center of each comes out clean, about 35 minutes. Let cool in pans set on wire racks for 15 minutes. Invert cakes onto racks. Let cool.
Fall Spiced "Hot" Chocolate Buttercream
Ingredients:
3/4 cup sugar
3 large egg whites
1 cup (2 sticks) plus 6 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
3.5 ounces unsweetened chocolate, melted and cooled
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
2 tsp vanilla bean paste
Directions:
Place egg whites and sugar in a heatproof bowl set over a pot of simmering water. Whisk until sugar has dissolved and egg whites are hot to the touch. Test by rubbing the mixture between your fingers; it should feel completely smooth. Transfer mixture to a mixing bowl fitted to a mixer stand, and beat on high speed with the whisk attachment until cooled, 7 to 10 minutes.
take about 1/2 a stick of butter and combine with the cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla paste in a small bowl, set aside.
Set mixer on medium-high speed; add butter, 1 to 2 tablespoons at a time, until incorporated. Beat in the spiced butter mixture, then the chocolate. Use immediately.
Assembly
If you are unfamiliar with leveling or frosting cakes I would suggest checking out this tutorial before this next step.
Level one cake layer, then repeat with the 3 other layers of cake. You will now have 4 total layers of cake, 2 peanut butter, 2 pumpkin. Place about 1/3 cup buttercream in a piping bag fitted with a small French tip (I used a 5mm french tip). Place a layer of pumpkin cake on a disposable cake round or cake plate. Fill the first layer with enough buttercream to form a thin layer, making sure a small amount spills over the sides evenly. Place a layer of peanut butter cake over the filling. Repeat this process with the remaining cake layers. Frost the cake with remaining buttercream. Pipe the buttercream along the bottom and top border. Sprinkle some cinnamon or nutmeg over the top if you feel so inclined.
