I woke up drenched in sweat, panting, trying to remind myself it was only a dream… only a dream. I knew it hadn’t been real but I still had to grab our video monitor to check that my son was safe, sound asleep in bed; he was. My heart still raced. Panic still curled around my muscles, making them tighten and twitch. I poked my head in to my daughter’s room to make sure she, too, was safe and secure in bed; she was. However, my body would not let go of fear, it gripped my insides as though it was the only thing holding me back from a gruesome death. I was scared to stay awake, but too afraid to go back to sleep in case another horrific dream would plague me, making me envision my darkest horrors. It took an hour of watching my favorite benign sitcom, reading soothing Psalms, and laying on my trusty heating pad to convince my body to relax and know that the nightmare was not real, it was only a dream. And then I fell asleep.
I have suffered from nightmares my whole life, but since my thyroid was removed and I acquired hypoparathyroidism, the amount and intensity have severely increased. I know the technical reasons for it. Severe symptoms of anxiety come hand in hand with my current health state. In short, fear has become a constantly annoying companion. I should really hate this, but the fact is that it has become one of the most liberating experiences of my life.
You see, like the nightmares, I have always suffered at the hands of fear. From a very young age I gave in to the cruelly subtle game of comparison. I longed to have the looks of my athletic, perky, and dazzlingly gorgeous friend or have the witty, sassy personality of my fashion forward and perfectly popular friend. I craved the acceptance and approval they seemed to have at their fingertips. All I had was goggle-eyed glasses, chubby tummy and legs, and a whole lot of determination and imagination. I could get deeply psychological on you, my reader, as to why exactly I wanted these friends’ approval, but I personally believe that is best expressed in person over a cup of coffee or more accurately, a glass of wine. What I will tell you is that when I turned 12, I hid my goggle eyed glasses, imaginative determination, and any other childhood quirkiness so that I could be accepted by my peers.
As most of us know, people are extremely fickle (especially at age 12!) and trying to change who I was got me absolutely nowhere. I did start to find myself and accept certain parts of my quirky nature again. However, a deeply rooted pattern of comparing myself to others, living in shame of my shortcomings, and changing my behavior in order to gain approval, always lingered. As I grew older, I truly thought I had matured out of that awkward 12 year old pattern, but it took the element of fear being added in a concentrated dose to my daily life for me to realize that I had barely scratched the surface. Once fear based emotions became a daily reality stronger than I had ever thought they could be, I had a choice- do I let fear enslave and cripple me, or do I fight back and learn how to be free even when I am afraid? Because I can’t rid myself of these feelings altogether, they will still come, but I always have a choice of what to do.
For the most part, I have been focused on simply fighting back fears of, quite frankly, losing my life, livelihood, personality, or sanity due to my medical conditions. In so doing I would say that I have become a warrior of sorts when it comes to battling my own fears. Yet while it is still very present and stifling, I find I can be still and remember that I am free. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that I realized, this warrior-like nature had fully awakened that inner determined, goggle-eyed glasses, imaginative child. At the age of 32 she was ready to play, to stretch out her arms and be free from the comparison game. She was there in all her quirky glory and gave me the strength to boldly say with confidence, “You are loved, you are accepted, and that is enough.” She is ready to change 32 year old Charin, forever.
The following pictures are of a little selfie photo shoot I did for my new job at Encantadora Jewelry. What started as a simple selfie turned into an hour long date with myself. I really really REALLY hate taking pictures of myself, but this time I had a bit of a break through. After about 20 minutes of poking, prodding, sucking in, tucking my hair just so, and attempting that “perfectly posed” angle to get that “perfect” Instagram pic, I sighed in irritation and thought, “you know what… screw it… I am going to do it my way and just have fun.” What a gift this turned out to be. While browsing through the photos afterward I stopped and let the tears roll down my cheeks, I was seeing my true reflection and I was proud of the warrior that looked back at me.
There have been many changes in my life over the past couple of months, the biggest of which I have already mentioned- a new job. I am so very happy to say that I have found a position that is a perfect fit for my future, as it provides much flexibility and I can accomplish tasks even on days when I am feeling quite ill. I also simply love working with my boss… who also happens to be my mom ;) Also, while I have not gotten any better health-wise, I have gained much rejuvenation and time for self care due to my dear sister moving up to Chicago with her daughters so as to help me and my family for the next 18 months. Their presence has lifted me up both physically and emotionally more than I could possibly say. I am so thankful for their loving sacrifice of moving and thus uprooting their whole life to be with me and my family while we are in a season of need. I am now thrilled for this new time of life I see ahead of me, one in which I discover how to rise up, walk, and LIVE my life with a chronic illness to the fullest.
With all the added adventures in my life, I have not had much time to bake, but the following is a somewhat simple (and delicious!) recipe for Vanilla Cake and Strawberry Buttercream which is the cake that I made for my niece's (pictured above next to my daughter, Lily) 9th birthday. It is a great cake for kids birthday or for someone who prefers simplicity when it comes to their desserts. Enjoy!
Vanilla Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for pans
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (spooned and leveled), plus more for pans
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 large eggs
3 large egg yolks
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 cup low-fat buttermilk
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour two 8" round cake pans, tapping out the excess flour.
In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt.
Using an electric mixer, beat butter and sugar together until light and fluffy. With mixer on low, beat in eggs and yolks, one at a time, fully incorporating with each addition. Alternately beat in flour mixture and buttermilk mixture beginning and ending with the flour mixture; mix just until combined.
Divide batter between pans; smooth tops. Bake until cakes pull away from sides of pans, 32 to 35 minutes. Let cool in pans 10 minutes. Run a knife around edges of pans and invert cakes onto a wire rack.
Strawberry Buttercream
Ingredients:
4 large egg whites, room temperature
1 1/4 cups sugar
3/4 pound (3 sticks) unsalted butter, softened and cut in to cubes
1 1/4- 1 1/2 cups plus 1 tbsp fresh strawberries, pureed
Directions:
Place whites and sugar in a heatproof bowl set over a pot of simmering water. Whisk until sugar dissolves and mixture registers 160 degrees on a candy thermometer.
Remove from heat, and pour mixture in to a stand mixer. Whisk on medium-high speed until the mixture has cooled and stiff, glossy peaks have formed. Reduce speed to medium, and add butter, 1 piece at a time, whisking well after each addition
If you are wanting to dye some of your buttercream for decorations then before proceeding reserve about 3/4 cup of the buttercream and set aside for dyeing. If you reserved some buttercream, then reduce the amount of strawberry puree in the next step to 1 1/4 cup. With mixer on low, slowly add strawberry puree, about a 1/4-1/2 cup at a time, mixing thoroughly with each addition, beat until smooth, about 3 to 5 minutes.
Assembly
If you are unfamiliar with leveling, cutting, or frosting cakes I would suggest checking out this tutorial before this next step. If you're a serious newbie and four layers sounds intimidating, no worries, just stick to the two layers you baked and fill with a bit more buttercream in the middle. Just be sure to still level those lovelies.
Level one cake layer and cut it in half horizontally, then repeat with the second layer. You will now have 4 total layers of cake. Place the first layer on a disposable cake round or cake plate. Fill the first layer with enough buttercream to form a 1/2" layer, making sure a small amount spills over the sides evenly. Place a layer of cake over the filling. Repeat this process with the remaining cake layers. Frost the cake with remaining buttercream. Use any remaining buttercream to pipe desired decorations for the cake. When I made the cake pictured above for my niece I reserved about 1/2 cup of the buttercream before the strawberry was added so that I could color the buttercream as desired. I also followed this handy tutorial to pipe the rosettes on top in purple, a small star tip to pipe the tiny yellow flowers, and used a small plain round piping tip to pipe the border in black.