WARNING! THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE MOANA. READ ONLY IF YOU DON'T MIND KNOWING, OR ALREADY KNOW, THE ENDING!
I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are
The first time I saw the movie Moana with my then 5 year old daughter I found myself breaking down full fledge ugly sobbing during this very short song that culminates in a stunning ending to the movie. I didn’t know why I was bawling at the time, all I knew was that there was something deep inside me that wanted to come out with that song and that scene. I knew that a part of me was emoting right alongside the ferociously angry volcano monster she-demon, Te Ka, that transforms in to the garden of eden life giving goddess, Te Fiti when her heart, a magical stone, is given back to her.
After about the 7th time watching this movie with my daughter, and son (who loves it now more than my daughter does) I began to realize what deep seeded flower of a thought was trying to emerge. It’s the line, “This is not who you are, you know who you are.” that sends fire to my eyes every time I hear it. In its own way, this transformation from ferocious fire demon to captivating goddess is how I feel when battling depression, anxiety, and if I am being completely frank, even my own struggle with motherhood. Depression, anxiety, and irritability, and all the feelings of hopelessness, anger, and fear that the former give way to are very real monsters I have unfortunately become all too well acquainted with. When the day comes that one of these fiery monsters rears its head, when I feel like a dirty pile of ash and sulfur and I don’t want to get out of bed, when I feel as though my head will explode and my body erupt if my son throws a tantrum (his 4th one of the afternoon), when I can’t seem to stop the burning simmering voice in my mind that boils up to the surface every mistake I have ever made in my life, it certainly feels as though my passion, my joy, my heart is stolen from me.
But this does not define me.
I know it is “just a kids movie” but there is something deeply compelling about this scene that should not be dismissed. After boldly and heroically attempting to defeat the she demon volcano monster, Moana realizes that the monster is indeed the island of life itself, Te Fiti, the island that, once restored, would bring life and peace to herself and her home. She also realizes that the only thing that would change this monster was to place the heart back where it belonged, and in order to do this she would first need to remind it of who it really is, and who it really is not. In the chillingly climactic moment that follows Moana calmly, bravely, and resolutely walks towards the monster who charges at her with wrathful vengeance and she sings this song that stops Te Ka short with shock. They place their foreheads together in a sign of understanding, sisterhood, and quite honestly I think grace for one another. Whereas this scene is quite short in the movie, I think in my case a much more accurate portrayal would be if this moment lasted hours, days or even weeks. And for me, the voice of Moana singing calmly, bravely, and gracefully is sometimes that of my own, sometimes that of my husband’s, sometimes my daughter’s, sometimes a friend’s, and many times it is God’s. These are the voices of my heroes and heroines, encouraging me and reminding me that no matter how volcanic my eruption of despair may be, this does not define me, I know who I am. I am wonderfully made.
It is a gracefully messy life to live like this, both in eruptive volcanic ash as well as humming a resolute tune of grace. It is a life that many lead, whether it is simmering on the inside and only violently explodes once every century, or if you see the boiling pot every day. I do know one thing, that gracefully strong song is worth singing.
The first 90 seconds of this video is the scene I reference from the movie Moana. If you have not seen the movie I urge you to watch the whole thing (it's on Netflix!), I don't think you'll regret it!
When I sat down to write a blog post (the first one in about 2 months I may add, thanks to settling in to a new home and new routines) I had no intention of writing the above. I had intended to write about our new home and the new beginning it has brought as well as all the trial, error, and bliss that has come with it. Alas, this quirkily emotional post is what spewed out of me almost immediately and I simply went with it. A post on new beginnings, complete with a recipe for Whole Wheat bread, will just have to wait until next time. After I wrote this post I decided to let the impromptu inspiration have its full effect and contemplated what a Moana inspired cake would taste like. Coconuts and bananas are the primary food elements from the movie that came to mind (besides fish... and I don't think I am talented enough to make a tasty fish cake). I have always loved coconut, and particularly coconut dacquoise, a thin layer cake made primarily of desiccated coconut and whipped egg whites and is baked very quickly in the oven. I wanted to do a banana filling and thought I'd try my hand at a banana curd. If you are unfamiliar with curd I am sure this sounds pretty unappetizing but I promise you, it is delicious! Creamy and perfectly banana-y the curd really adds more tropical notes to the cake. However, Banana and Coconut by itself felt a bit plain for my liking, I wanted more of a tropical pow and tang to it so I decided to brush the dacqouise layers in sweetened lime juice and let the cake sit overnight for the flavors to meld together and the lime to soak in to the cake. Finally for the frosting, I instantly thought of doing this swiss meringue type "cloud" frosting as I knew it would give the cake the final wave effect I was going for. I wanted to round out the flavors a bit and add some kind of floral aroma to the cake so thus I added vanilla and a bit of rose flower water to the frosting. Add some eucalyptus sprigs and day lilies from trader joe's and I had the exact Moana inspired cake I was hoping for! The recipes that follow are for experienced bakers to be frank... I am a very good baker but getting dacquoise down is quite tricky. If this is up your ally, it makes for an amazing summer-y cake that will transport you to sunshine and sandy beaches in just one bite. Enjoy!
Coconut Dacquoise
Ingredients:
45g almond flour
70g cake flour
355g powdered sugar
pinch of salt
285g desiccated coconut
425g egg whites
140g granulated sugar
Directions:
Line two sheet pans with parchment paper.
Sift together the flours, powdered sugar, and salt. Whisk in the coconut.
Whip the egg whites with the whip attachment on medium speed until frothy. Gradually add the granulated sugar while continuing to whisk, then whip on high speed until medium peaks form.
Gently fold in the dry ingredients into the beaten egg whites in about 3-4 additions.
Spread the batter evenly into the prepared sheet pans. Bake in a 350°F convection oven until the cake springs back when touched, about 10 to 12 minutes.
Cool completely and store, covered, until needed.
banana curd
Ingredients:
3-4 bananas/230g pureed and strained
110g water
3 silver leaf gelatin sheets
280g sugar
230g eggs
230g butter, softened and cubed
Directions:
Purée the bananas in a food processor and then strain the puree through a fine mesh sieve. Measure out 230g of pureed and strained banana and set aside.
Bloom the gelatin in the water. Squeeze out excess water and set aside.
Whisk together the purée, sugar, and eggs. Add the butter and place the mixture in a glass bowl over barely simmering water. Cook the mixture stirring it every 3 to 5 minutes until it is thickened and approximately 165°F.
Remove the pot from the heat and blend in the gelatin. Strain the mixture through a fine mesh sieve.
Pour the curd into a large shallow nonreactive pan (I use a sheet pan) and cover with plastic wrap placed directly on the surface of the curd and cool in the refrigerator. Store the curd, covered, until ready to fill the cakes.
Vanilla Rose Cloud Frosting
Ingredients:
6 large egg whites
2 1/2 cups sugar
1/2 cup water
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
2 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 tsp rose water
Directions
Place egg whites, sugar, water, and cream of tartar in a heatproof bowl set over a pot of simmering water. Whisk until sugar has dissolved and egg whites are hot to the touch. Test by rubbing the mixture between your fingers; it should feel hot and completely smooth.
Remove from heat, and pour mixture in to a stand mixer bowl. Using the whisk attachment, beat on high speed until mixture has cooled and formed stiff and glossy peaks, then add the vanilla and rose water and whisk in slowly to combine. Use immediately.
Assembly
1 cup sweetened lime juice
To get the look shown above, place about 2 cups of frosting in to a bowl and tint it (I prefer Americolor gel food coloring) to the darkest shade of color desired for the bottom ombre layer. Take about 1/2 a cup of this tinted frosting and combine with 1 1/2 cups white frosting. Once combined then take 1/2 a cup of this lighter frosting and combine with 1 cup white frosting, you will now have 3 shades of your desired color, and you should have enough white frosting to cover the top. Fit 3 piping bags, one with a 12mm french piping tip, another fitted with an 11mm french piping tip, and the last fitted with a 10mm french tip. Fill each fitted piping bag about 2/3 full with the tinted frosting, each bag will have one shade of color. Cut the dacquoise to make even layers, make sure to measure them to ensure precise layers are created, I was able to make 4 layers from each sheet pan of dacquoise. Place one layer of dacquoise on a cake plate or disposable cake board. Brush the layer liberally with sweetened lime juice then fill with the prepared curd. Repeat this step with the remaining layers of dacquoise. Crumb coat the cake with white frosting. Pipe using the wave or rosette technique on the sides of the cake, starting with the darkest shade as the first layer, then using the next lightest shade and so on until the sides are covered. Place about 1-1/2 cups of white frosting on the top of the cake and smooth it out. using your offset spatula make peaks by tapping lightly on the top and lifting up the frosting to form peaks.