There is a nameless emotion that sits between regret and longing, reminiscence and shame. That feeling you get when you stop, look back, remember, and wonder… What if? What if life had dealt you a hand that was easier, what if you knew then what you know now, what if you made a mistake, what if you didn’t, what if…
It’s an enticing rabbit hole of thoughts and dreams, one that is intoxicating but has more allure to some and not as much to others. I am not really one to partake in a stroll down this particular path of the “memory lane” trail but what first started as an innocent house project of creating a family history picture gallery, turned into a deep spiral down the rabbit hole. As I pored through pictures of the last 11 years of my life I realized that there is a reason I don’t like to walk the trail of “what if’s”, and that is simply because it often leads back to an answer, that I hate- “I don’t know.”
I am your typical “Type B” personality, the first to run away from a perfect schedule, the last to run towards regular routine, the most open to spontaneous adventure, and the least likely to work a 9-5’er. You’d think with all this openness I would simply be able to shrug off the unknowable, but this simply is not the case. There are things I want to KNOW. Like, did my actions make a change for the good?
I don’t know.
And I don’t want the sweet hurried answer, “OF COURSE it did!” and all the variations therein. I want MORE than a simple answer, I want certainty. And yet, I realize that there are some questions that simply have one answer…
I DON’T KNOW.
My coping mechanism, if you will, for dealing with the unknown of my past is to run headlong down another rabbit hole- the “What if?” of my future. Now THAT is much more tantalizing because it smells sweetly of endless possibilities that I (seemingly) CAN control. “What if I changed?” “What if this opportunity is given to me?” “What if I got better?” “What if life finally becomes easy?” I can at least take many of these thoughts and run headlong into a meaningful future, but am I really in control of it?
I don’t know.
Really, I don’t.
Rose tinted, dreamy picture of Chicago taken by me 10 years ago.
The best example I can give to flesh this rabbit trail out is my move to Chicago. We, my husband and I, came to Chicago convinced we could radically change it. We thought we knew this city because we researched it and took an exploratory 4 day “thorough” tour. We fell in love with the city during a tantalizing summer. We said we would never EVER leave. We saw the brokenness and the beauty and we laid plans of how we would lay down roots and help. We executed the plans. The plans did not go as we anticipated. Some good was done, but not nearly as much as we had hoped. So we regrouped and tried again. And again. And again.
We have lived in Chicago for nine and a half years. Have we changed it? I don’t really know. Maybe a little? Not nearly as much as we had anticipated. Are we going to leave? No… but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t seriously considered it. Do I know this city? Nine and a half years and I would say that I have barely scratched the surface. Am I still “in love” with it? This SoCal lover is still undecided on that front, but I love what Chicago holds. What brought me here is now completely different from what keeps me. I fell in love with the city in the summer but didn’t anticipate the winters and storms ahead. Do I regret moving here? No. But… if my 23 year old self knew what the next 9 and a half years held, I don’t think she would have chosen to move to Chicago. But I am not her.
I DO know that if I didn’t make a change in Chicago, I still tried to love those around me as best I could.
I DO know how to keep trying even if it seems to only take me a centimeter closer to change.
I DO know that if I made mistakes, I am forgiven.
I DO know that the rabbit trails will always haunt and fascinate me.
I DO know that some trails have chasms of depression lining them, and others rain down terrifying anxiety.
I DO know that I have fought fiercely to climb out of many chasms and shield myself from countless rainstorms.
One way in which we were convinced that we would take Chicago on by storm was by helping my brother and his wife start a dynamic church here in the city, and we did. My church has gone through much change and shifting with several different looks and feels over the years but, the beautiful heart and soul of loving God and loving others as best we can has always been at the center. Sadly though, the time came recently for us to close this church that we poured our heart and soul into and have been sincerely blessed to be a part of. This past Sunday was the last time in which our little church body gathered together and it was incredibly bittersweet. I have sincerely never been in community with such a wholeheartedly accepting, loving, grace-filled group of sweet friends in my entire life, but we knew the time had simply come for us to move on to new church communities. And of course in my own Charin fashion, I baked a cake for the momentous occasion. It wasn't anything fancy, extravagant, or pretentious it just reflected the sweet brightness of this group that I have had the absolute pleasure of communing with over the years. Below you'll find a hazy love filtered picture of this tribe of mine that have stood by my side during my darkest times. I KNOW that my life will forever be changed for the better because of people like these.
My journey in Chicago has taught me resilience and strength, vulnerability and wisdom, appreciation and humility and that I am NOT in control of everything, but I have been, am, and will be strong enough to weather every storm and THAT is so much more beautiful than knowledge itself.
Strawberry Lemonade cake
Strawberry Buttercream
Ingredients:
4 large egg whites, room temperature
1 1/4 cups sugar
3/4 pound (3 sticks) unsalted butter, softened and cut in to cubes
1 1/2 cups plus 1 tbsp fresh strawberries, pureed
Directions:
Place whites and sugar in a heatproof bowl set over a pot of simmering water. Whisk until sugar dissolves and mixture registers 160 degrees on a candy thermometer.
Remove from heat, and pour mixture in to a stand mixer. Whisk on medium-high speed until the mixture has cooled and stiff, glossy peaks have formed. Reduce speed to medium, and add butter, 1 piece at a time, whisking well after each addition
With mixer on low, slowly add strawberry puree, about a 1/4-1/2 cup at a time, mixing thoroughly with each addition, beat until smooth, about 3 to 5 minutes.
Lemon Cake
Ingredients
1 cup plus 1+ tbsp low-fat buttermilk
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons lemon zest
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 ½ cups sugar
2 large eggs
3 large egg yolks
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour two 8" round cake pans (or if you would like to do the 3 small cakes then butter and flour 6 4" round cake pans), tapping out the excess flour. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, and lemon zest.
Using an electric mixer, beat butter and sugar together until light and fluffy. With mixer on low, beat in eggs and yolks, one at a time, fully incorporating with each addition. Add the lemon juice to the buttermilk and stir with a fork. Alternately beat in flour mixture and buttermilk mixture beginning and ending with the flour mixture; mix just until combined.
Divide batter evenly between pans; smooth tops. Bake until cakes pull away from sides of pans, and toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, about 32 to 35 minutes. Let cool in pans 10 minutes. Run a knife around edges of pans and invert cakes onto a wire rack.
Assembly
-5 strawberries sliced, 1 strawberry whole
-Yellow food coloring
Note: If you are unfamiliar with leveling, cutting, or frosting cakes I would suggest checking out this tutorial before this next step.
Level each cake layer. Place the first layer of cake on a disposable cake round or cake plate. Place about 3/4 cup frosting in a bowl and dye it with about 5-6 drops yellow food coloring, use more fid needed. Place dyed frosting in a piping bag fitted with a small round piping tip. Fill the first layer with enough buttercream to form a 1/2" layer, making sure a small amount spills over the sides evenly. Place a layer of cake over the filling. Frost the cake with remaining buttercream. Pipe a pearl yellow buttercream border on the bottom. Place strawberry slices above the piped buttercream. Pipe a pearl yellow buttercream border along the top of the cake. Top with a strawberry.
