“A cake a week makes the endocrinologist go away.”
This is the title of my very first blog post. I honestly have not read that post since I published it 3 years ago because it was too hard to relive the turmoil of emotions that were at war within me during that time.
Until today.
I dearly wish I could shout at that girl from 3 years ago, that hope WOULD come. But, she wouldn’t have believed me, and I can’t blame her. Her definition of hope- a cure for cancer, a cure for a debilitating chronic illness, a cure for the anguish of a “normal” life lost, never came.
Like winter shedding its biting edge before springtime, like a bittersweet farewell to a dear friend, like a butterfly emerging resiliently from its cocoon… life changed. I changed. I didn’t need a cure for the shocking life changes, I needed time to process, grow, and heal from them.
That’s the real journey I embarked on 3 and a half years ago and it sounded like this:
The first season was defined by SHOCK:
“I don’t get it, I am young and relatively healthy how can I have such a rare and aggressive cancer?”
“Wait… what? The treatment that was supposed to CURE my cancer left me with a horribly debilitating chronic illness that may actually be my death sentence… WTF?”
The second season was marked by DENIAL:
“It won’t be that bad, I can still fight through this, my dreams and ambitions, life plans and goals don’t have to die just because my parathyroids did. I will make this work.”
“I am making this out to be a whole lot worse than it actually is, just get over it and move on.”
The third was unmistakably BARGAINING:
“If I just look at the bright side and appreciate what I already have, then the pain will be numbed.”
“Accomplishing the right goals will bring back what I lost”
Then came the fourth season, whose poisonous tendrils crept up slowly and silently, DEPRESSION:
“I can barely manage my medication regimen and the cacophony of changing symptoms inside my body each day, so there’s just no point in accomplishing goals or making plans for the future.”
“My unpredictable illness will see to it that I fail at everything I set out to do.”
“I am just wasted space, a lifeless blob floating around without purpose.”
Then the season I struggle to even put into words because it is the rawest, most tender, and central piece of this journey… ANGER:
“God… WHY? You say you have a perfect plan, you say if I ask I will receive, you say knock, and the door will open, you say you are good, you say you are a loving father… how can that be? I pleaded for you to take away this illness and… you were silent. I begged you to give me a respite from the trials and… you brought more. Do you really hate me this much? I can’t keep coming to you like a lost child only to be shut down time and time again... I’m done.”
That’s where I sat for about a year. I gave up on my creator because I thought He had given up on me.
Then one day in a moment of desperation I caved and begrudgingly asked for help.
He answered, and He kept answering. He answered every question I asked and more that I didn’t even know needed answering. He opened and closed doors for me, He provided what I wanted but stubbornly refused to ask for. Did anything change with my health? Nope (in fact things have been worse), but all those seasons of shock, denial, bargaining, depression, and anger have woven together to create this: ACCEPTANCE.
This is a different era of hope. It breathes in the reality, “I am defective, different, and quintessentially quirky,” and breathes out the truth, “So what? I am loved, I am alive, I will steward this life to the best of my ability, no matter how flawed my abilities are.” That’s the plan He had in mind all along. I may not like it but I cannot deny that it is a plan that I needed more than the one that I wanted.
My goal for this blog was to process and heal from a shocking change in my life by embracing blissful moments even in the midst of a traumatic life storm. Please envision me with tears running down my cheeks and a shocked smile plastered on my face when I say this- I accomplished that goal. The storm has subsided but that doesn’t mean that the weather is perfect, and I’m ok with that. What I learned is that life is full of seasons, each one bringing weather that can change at a moments notice. Sometimes there’s a storm that lasts for years, sometimes it lasts a day, it can rain for months, then turn into a cold and bitter winter. Believe it or not, every once in a while spring does come in all its glory.
This is my story of hope transformed and it is at a close. This lovely little blog has served its wonderful purpose and the time has come to make a fresh start for the future. I have loved learning a new art form in blogging and am excited to continue using this craft in my next adventure. I hope that some part of my journey has brought even a tiny bit of sunshine to whatever weather or season you find yourself in, my friend. To end this final blog entry at Akin to Bliss, I will leave you with my son’s 4th birthday cake (the recipe for it is below ;) and my FB post that went along with it:
“As an artist/maker who thrives on using their hands to create, it felt like a part of my soul, or rather identity, was stripped away from me these past few weeks while recovering from surgery on my right (dominant) hand. I love to cook, I love to bake, I love writing, I love jewelry making, I love trying my hand at new skills. ‘Creating’ is my go-to form of self-care, I really do love it that much. So, when I realized how extensive recovery would actually be and how much it would strip me of the ability to do anything I truly enjoyed, let’s just say I did not react (or listen) very well, lol. Even though it was a horribly depressing few weeks, it ended up being a beautiful reminder that I am not what I make, my worth is not tied to what I create, and I am loved even when I have literally nothing to offer or show for it.
Today I am so thankful for even the little things like being able to make this sweetly simple cake for my son’s birthday. I didn’t think I would be able to make it because my hand is still in pain and recovering, but here I am, beaming with joy over one of the simplest cakes I have ever made because I am so thankful for the ability to create anything at all.
To all who surrounded me with care and support these past few weeks- THANK YOU, you truly have no idea how much every meal, word of encouragement, and prayer spoke to and cared for my soul. ALSO- the lump in my hand was determined free of any cancerous tissue, woohoo!”
‘Blue’ blueberry birthday cake
Vanilla Blue Cake
Ingredients
1 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
1 1/3 cups granulated sugar
1 teaspoon kosher salt
4 large egg whites
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup buttermilk
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 cup cornstarch
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/8 tsp blue food coloring (this is totally optional and feel free to use any color, my son wanted a blue cake inside and out for his birthday, so this is how I accomplished that :)
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Butter and flour two 8" round cake pans, tapping out the excess flour.
Beat butter, sugar, and salt together in a medium bowl. Add egg whites, one at a time, beating until combined and slightly fluffy. Add vanilla and buttermilk and beat to combine. Mix baking powder and cornstarch together in a small bowl, add about 1/4 cup batter mixture, whisk to combine. Add the cornstarch mixture back into the batter mixture and beat very well to combine. Scrape down sides of bowl and beat one second more. Add flour and mix just until it disappears. Add food coloring and mix just until blue throughout.
Divide batter evenly between pans; smooth tops. Bake until cakes pull away from sides of pans, and toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, about 32 to 35 minutes. Let cool in pans 10 minutes. Run a knife around edges of pans and invert cakes onto a wire rack.
Blueberry Buttercream Frosting
Ingredients:
1 cup unsalted butter, at room temperature
2 1/2 cups sifted powdered sugar
Pinch of fine salt
1 cup blueberries
1/8 tsp blue food coloring, if desired
Directions
Puree and then strain blueberries, set aside. Beat butter, powdered sugar and salt together with the paddle attachment of a stand mixer until fluffy, then slowly add about 1/4-1/3 cup of blueberry puree until smooth. Add desired amount of blue food coloring to bring out the blue color. (this is totally optional, my son wanted a very blue cake and using the blueberry puree by itself will give the cake a grayish lavender hue, if you want blue as pictured, add some color to it :)
Assembly
-Multi colored sprinkles of choice
Note: If you are unfamiliar with leveling, cutting, or frosting cakes I would suggest checking out this tutorial before this next step.
Level each cake layer. Place the first layer of cake on a disposable cake round or cake plate. Fill the first layer with enough buttercream to form a 1/2" layer of buttercream, making sure a small amount spills over the sides evenly. Place a layer of cake over the filling. Frost the cake with remaining buttercream. Gently pour sprinkles from your hand towards the bottom of the cake, allowing some to bounce back on to the cake to cover the bottom of the cake as desired. sprinkle a little on top middle of the cake, add a candle or six, et voilà, you are done!
*This recipe has been adapted from Smitten Kitchen’s Confetti Party Cake recipe